What a bummer.

Here it is Wednesday, been a really good day. The new boss is making very positive changes in the workplace. Then I leave, run an errand, picking up something for a friend and then find out they already got it and didn't let me know. So now what do I do with it?? Supper plans got cancelled, the pool needed cleaning, laundry needed doing, etc, etc, etc.
I was in such good spirits then blam....all went away. Ended up cleaning the closet, (which happens to be the 2nd bedroom) not that it got finished, but it got started. Gave the dogs their monthly meds. Washed some clothes, took a bath, nothing on TV, what a bummer.
Guess I'll go refinish a chair for my coworker.

Depression

Sometimes when you least expect it, a feeling of being lost, of having no place of being in the world, overwhelms my existence. It creeps up on me, not quite knowing what it is but nothing seems to be like it should. I get up just like normal, get ready for work, go through the day. I feel angry, irritable, sad, edgy, fidgetey. Can't quite put my finger on what is wrong, just that nothing is right.

Small things bring tears to my eyes. I am indecisive, even the smallest of daily doings seems like a wall that can not be climbed. Do I wear the blue or the brown shirt. Do I wear my hair up or down. I want someone to talk to, can't decide who. What do I eat, what time to go to bed, what show to watch. Stay inside or go outside. Who knows. I feel like a puppet on strings only I don't know who is controlling the movements.

Like walking in a dense fog slowly testing with your foot for fear of falling off a ledge or running into a wall. Like watching a scary movie knowing something is going to happen that I really don't want, but forging ahead waiting for the ax to fall, for the bad thing. I think I forget to breath, to blink. I can hear the blood flowing in my head, feel the beat of my heart.

No confidence in myself, unsure of everything of everyone. Hard to trust, hard to believe in people. A few years back, on a very rainy day, I walked to the ocean and sat on a bench wondering what it would feel like to walk into the water, to feel it wrap around me so I couldn't feel anymore. I knew I wouldn't but my mind kept envisioning how it would be.

I live in pain both physical and emotional. Don't know which is worse which is better. How long do I endure. It is something I can cover in front of others. Like being two persons in one. No one can see what is inside if I put on the mask, like a cloak, covers what needs to be hidden. What can't be understood or explained.

When I feel this way, I tend to fold paper without realizing it. Receipts, notes, papertowels, kleenex, doesn't matter, I can make it as small as a bb. Really don't want to be around anyone, don't want to be seen. Once at the store, shopping for grandkids presents for the holiday, I had to leave the basket, presents, everything and leave. It seemed like I was going to explode. I just had to leave. All the happy, hurried shoppers. I was not one.

I am there now. I know it will pass. The other side of me will come out and this one will go away. Then I can lift the curtain and see all the beauty around me. Enjoy the sky, the sun, laugh. Soon.

PAIN

Pain is debilitating, encompassing, prominent, foremost, enveloping, exhausting, distracting. How can something so small, a tiny little nerve, take over your entire existence. After an ER visit, an orthopedic visit, an MRI, how can they still not know what to do or where to look. Has anyone ever thought about an x-ray?? Maybe there is a bone spur, maybe having nothing to do with a pinched sciatic nerve. But the medical facilitators, want to do the expensive MRI, which I did last night. I cried like a girl, in one of the positions and only had to hold it for 3 minutes. It took everything I had not to squeeze the little "help call" button.
I came home and collapsed on the couch. Waking at midnight, limping to the bed, thinking, I left my cell phone in the living room and if I should have to call for help, I'd never make it in there. So after propping with pillows (and my dogs and cat) I finally cried myself back to a restless stage of sleep. I'm eating pain medication and muscle relaxers like candy and they are noneffective.
Then I stop and think; my mom took on so much more pain and procedures than I have and she was a trooper, if she had pain, she pretty much kept it inside, never voicing like me. I feel like a whiner. ..
Anyway, I shall overcome this and be running around like a crazed soccer mom, hopefully before too much longer.

Computer-itis

Today is the birthday of my new computer. Seems the old one was ready for early retirement. It was only four years old but I guess that is the old age for technology. I enjoy being on the computer looking and searching for things old and new. But, I am not a geek and the anxiety of learning a new system and resaving all my favorite places has caused major stress. You know the commercial where the 7 year old girl makes this fantastic panoramic photo and prints it? I don't like her very much. I have trouble turning on the DVD player. But, I WILL learn how to do that. Remember when you thought you were so smart because you knew how to do something your parents didn't, well duh! I even splurged and bought a program for my photos, which is my favorite thing in the world, but alas, I can't even figure out how to bring in all the photos I saved onto memory sticks to prevent loosing them. My greatest fear was loosing all the digital photos I had saved and stored on the old unit. Some of them were unreplaceable. Family, lost family members, fun times and shared memories with friends. Oh well, the challenges of life. This too I will overcome and by this time next month, I will hopefully be more comfortable with my new computer.

Reverse in Forward

While driving in Houston, a short while ago, I was driving backwards in Drive. Really, if you try to keep the legal distance between you and the car in front of you, so many cars fill in the gap that you end up driving backwards. Each time a car slips in, you are supposed to give some distance for a safe stop. I think the 35 mile drive took me almost 1.5 hours.

It would seem that if more people were more courteous in the vehicle, the traffic would flow, fewer accidents, no road rage. I mean COME ON PEOPLE, WORK WITH ME HERE!!

I know the drivers didn't learn any of that in drivers ed. So people have gone from timid teenagers, cautiously learning the ropes, to Daytona drivers on the freeway. You know the ones, getting right on your tail, pushing you out of their way. I'm sure wherever they are going is so much more important than where I may be traveling, but don't I have the right to get their in one piece? It's not that I drive like the little ol lady from Pasadena, but I try to give myself enough room to get out of an emergency situation or at least give me a fighting chance of survival.

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to arrive at your destination and feel happy instead of angry, frustrated and abused. Next time your in the car and a driver passes you, glaring at you since you were in their way, wave and smile at them like you know them. Sure does put a shocked expression on their face. I think they wouldn't want an neighbor or friend to realize they drive like an idiot. What do you think?

Mondays

You know after you've had your weekend, Mondays come back to laugh in your face. I've rested, had some fun, done some work and decided to come into work with a new attitude. No more stressing over the minor stuff.
Then the first phone call just blows it all away. From there the neverending supply of paper rolls through, shuffling away the day. All at once, the printer has to have new trackers (to be installed by me) and the new credit card machine has arrived and is not connecting to where ever it is that its supposed to hook up to. Okay, got all that. No one bothered to put paper in the copier and left the document for which I had been searching (wasting about an hour) under the door. TaDa!
Also I had to set an appointment to get the cat spayed and my eyes checked. Hopefully I won't get them reversed. Oh yeah, and to find the part needed to hook up the dryer at home. And to get a plunger to unstop the toilet at work. Hope nobody forgets and flushes.
Oh, back to the day. The postage machine ran out of postage and needed its fix. The computer crashed after lunch. Ran to the postoffice to get the mail and get moneyorders in time to get them back and into the UPS system before the truck gets there.
Inventory is in two weeks and the deadline is looming to get the years "changeout" done. Charge out the freight, do receiving, the the bills paid. Allthewhile the phones are ringing off the wall to which no one but me seems to hear.
Good part of the day is going home.
Don't ya just love Mondays!