Sometimes when you least expect it, a feeling of being lost, of having no place of being in the world, overwhelms my existence. It creeps up on me, not quite knowing what it is but nothing seems to be like it should. I get up just like normal, get ready for work, go through the day. I feel angry, irritable, sad, edgy, fidgetey. Can't quite put my finger on what is wrong, just that nothing is right.
Small things bring tears to my eyes. I am indecisive, even the smallest of daily doings seems like a wall that can not be climbed. Do I wear the blue or the brown shirt. Do I wear my hair up or down. I want someone to talk to, can't decide who. What do I eat, what time to go to bed, what show to watch. Stay inside or go outside. Who knows. I feel like a puppet on strings only I don't know who is controlling the movements.
Like walking in a dense fog slowly testing with your foot for fear of falling off a ledge or running into a wall. Like watching a scary movie knowing something is going to happen that I really don't want, but forging ahead waiting for the ax to fall, for the bad thing. I think I forget to breath, to blink. I can hear the blood flowing in my head, feel the beat of my heart.
No confidence in myself, unsure of everything of everyone. Hard to trust, hard to believe in people. A few years back, on a very rainy day, I walked to the ocean and sat on a bench wondering what it would feel like to walk into the water, to feel it wrap around me so I couldn't feel anymore. I knew I wouldn't but my mind kept envisioning how it would be.
I live in pain both physical and emotional. Don't know which is worse which is better. How long do I endure. It is something I can cover in front of others. Like being two persons in one. No one can see what is inside if I put on the mask, like a cloak, covers what needs to be hidden. What can't be understood or explained.
When I feel this way, I tend to fold paper without realizing it. Receipts, notes, papertowels, kleenex, doesn't matter, I can make it as small as a bb. Really don't want to be around anyone, don't want to be seen. Once at the store, shopping for grandkids presents for the holiday, I had to leave the basket, presents, everything and leave. It seemed like I was going to explode. I just had to leave. All the happy, hurried shoppers. I was not one.
I am there now. I know it will pass. The other side of me will come out and this one will go away. Then I can lift the curtain and see all the beauty around me. Enjoy the sky, the sun, laugh. Soon.
