Note to Self:

All I've ever wanted was to see my children be what they want to be. My son works a job he doesn't really care for, but it keeps the family running while he trains for a future more enjoyable. Education is important to him and the further he can take it the happier he is. I've never known but one other that has the capacity for learning that he does. It makes me proud to see how hard he works in order to keep his family in good steed.
My daughter, has finally found the love of her life and is now on the way to another state, far away. I am happy for her. I know she has had many trials and tribulations in her search for happiness, and has overcome them all. Now that she is where she wants to be I pray that their future is peaceful and happy.
However, having said all that, I have never felt so alone and full of despair. I guess I have mothered too long and now at long last, I have the empty nest. With mom gone too, I have no one else that really needs me and I suppose that is what has kept me going all this time.
All the activities I had planned, such as continuing my painting, working in the yard, working on the house, some travel, I don't seem to have the desire to attempt any of them at the current moment. I force myself to do what needs to be done, other than that, I sit in the kitchen chair and wait for bedtime.
I must get back in the frame of mind to put me in control. I have the Wii fit to do, motorcycle to learn more on, plants that need to be put in the ground, a window to repair, etc. I guess it is back to list making time, which makes me get off my butt and at least scratch off one a day, it helps me see accomplishments and helps me set the priorities of the list.
I pray every day for the peace at heart that everyone needs, but somehow this week it is eluding me. Sometimes I think there is a tormented soul inside this skin. One that should of been someone else, but got stuck with me. I don't remember when I really smiled because I felt good inside, only because it is what is expected, everyone around me is smiling, so I smile or laugh too. But is it heartfelt, no.
Somehow Iwill work through this, I have many times before. There is no one but me to talk to about it, how ironic is that!! I think God gave me strength to endure, but left off the understanding. But I will do according to His plan, not mine.

Dear Mom & Dad

It's been 3 months and I miss you mom, but after such a long time it makes me feel good inside to know you are with Dad. You have always been together even when you were apart. One joined with the other for eternity. The way God intended.
Life here goes on. Work, daily stuff. It is lonesome, but just getting by sometimes a day is a heartchore. There are the grandkids that keep jumping around, Hanan is in love again, OzzieRay is taking Karate, Jackson is in his learning program and is excited about going to Kindergarten. Ozzie is fascinated with the fact that he is 2 years older than Jackson for a while and then he is only one year older. Can't quite grasp it, Dad you would be amused with them both. Kind of like our neighborhood growing up. JJ is with his mom still and I dream of him going to live with his dad at some point, or at least getting to know him as an adult and not just going out of our lives. Mary has quit smoking mom, and I am determined to do it as well.
Dad, I got my motorcycle license and have riden a couple of times now. It is so exciting and scary and wonderful to ride. Very vulnerable feeling by the air going by is worth every second.
Teresa is going to be moving to Oregon to start a relationship, looking hard at it, with a young man she met through a friend.
Larry and I have been continuing work on the house and enjoying life. We ride the golf cart, the bikes and my health is better so I see a trip of camping riding coming soon.
Just wanted to say how much I love you and someday I will see you again. Hopefully Aaron will be there too, I think he will be.
Talk to you soon.
Diane

Mom's Gone Home

Mom and me. This picture was taken in October last year on her first and only birthday party EVER. We didn't know until the event was over. But it was a wonderful time for us to get together.
Mom left us to go home on April 21st. Oddest thing is my dad died on a Wednesday, and was buried on Saturday. Mom died on Wednesday and was buried on Saturday. Dad died after 47 years of marriage, mom died after it would of been 57 years of being Mrs. Ray Pope. Dad died at 65 mom died at 75. Dad was in Room 5 of ICU in his last hours, mom was in Room 6 at the same hospital during her last hours. All the family made it in before my dad passed. All the family made it in prior to my mom's passing.
She was such an awesome role model and friend. I tried to be with her somewhere every week, for a lunch, dinner, movie or just going over to visit. It meant a lot to me to have her as my best friend. I hear so often, and as a child hated it: "you look just like your mom". As I grew and matured, I took that as the best compliment ever. I only wish I had her personality. I think my sisters got it.
Mom and I shared a love of antiques, oil painting, gardening and many more things. She loved life and lived every moment to its fullest potential. She had so many, many friends. Something this daughter didn't realize how important it is. Although my husband is my best friend, I sometimes wish I had more girlfriends to do things with. Mom used to say, she knew things were okay when I would call and talk, when I didn't she knew things were not so good on my end. Talk about a mother's intuition!
She traveled with my brother, shopped with my sister, was a roomie with my other sister for a time. She was always there for us, and now I feel lost without her. I have even caught myself picking up the phone to call her.
From the past, I know this will ease in time, but right now the wounds are open and bleeding, like my heart. I know she is with my dad and still worring over us, but I know dad was there waiting for her. I have not known many people that loved each other as deeply as they loved each other and they passed that love on to us.
She had me play two songs for her at the funeral. Made me promise. One was from the soundtrack from Oh Brother, Where for Art Thou, #4 As I Went Down to the River to Pray, studying about the good ol days.... the other was Peter Gabriel's "I Grieve" because in the song, he talks about life going on and I know that is what she wants for us all.
I will treasure the moments I have with my family and friends, because you never know when you will be called home. And since, mom's passing, I am determined to bring my spirit to peace and bring it from the turmoil of the past. God was with me at the hospital when I brought her there for the last time and he held me up and made me strong to take care of her. God's love, like my mother's is and always will be unconditional.

10/05/1394 -- 04/21/2010 I love you mom.

I don't know scripture well enough to even know a verse to bring comfort or understanding, but I will learn. And I will be a witness in my actions, that I am a Christian and maybe, just maybe, I can help someone else find the peace within.

Hospitals

It is amazing how many technological advances there are in the field of medicine. Bothersome part is the doctors feel you don't need to know anything unless they feel like telling you or you are courageous enough to keep asking until you get the answers you need.
Nursing staff is so caring and tender until you get the one that is perfunctioning her job without a degree of care. For the most part, the care is tremendous. However, the bruises and unnecessary pain is heartwrenching.
As you may can tell by now, I have a loved one in the hospital dealing with some serious issues. There is a bruise on the upper right shoulder that noone seems to know how it got there. A 10x3 inch bruise on the right wrist area, a matching one on the left arm and then the left elbow the stomach from a shot given wrong. Needles everywhere, machines, alarms, pumps.
You feel so helpless except for being able to hold her hand, fix her hair, bring stuff like books, robes, more books, kleenex that doesn't scratch your nose, toothpicks.
It is not a burden, just wish you could take it all away from the patient and accept the pain for her.
I can hardly wait to see how the "new plan" will effect medical care. I am hoping for improvements in the system but I have a wait and see attitude.
Having recently been in the hospital myself, the cost is overwhelming and my stay was for a nite. How about 33K +. Now mom is in for her 12th day not counting the two previous stays. Gap perscription already sucks and now they won't pay for the medication to keep her from being nausea and vomiting during treatment. $100 a pill. Is that rediculous or what!!
I am praying there is an alternate drug or maybe the side effects won't be so bad.

What a bummer.

Here it is Wednesday, been a really good day. The new boss is making very positive changes in the workplace. Then I leave, run an errand, picking up something for a friend and then find out they already got it and didn't let me know. So now what do I do with it?? Supper plans got cancelled, the pool needed cleaning, laundry needed doing, etc, etc, etc.
I was in such good spirits then blam....all went away. Ended up cleaning the closet, (which happens to be the 2nd bedroom) not that it got finished, but it got started. Gave the dogs their monthly meds. Washed some clothes, took a bath, nothing on TV, what a bummer.
Guess I'll go refinish a chair for my coworker.

Depression

Sometimes when you least expect it, a feeling of being lost, of having no place of being in the world, overwhelms my existence. It creeps up on me, not quite knowing what it is but nothing seems to be like it should. I get up just like normal, get ready for work, go through the day. I feel angry, irritable, sad, edgy, fidgetey. Can't quite put my finger on what is wrong, just that nothing is right.

Small things bring tears to my eyes. I am indecisive, even the smallest of daily doings seems like a wall that can not be climbed. Do I wear the blue or the brown shirt. Do I wear my hair up or down. I want someone to talk to, can't decide who. What do I eat, what time to go to bed, what show to watch. Stay inside or go outside. Who knows. I feel like a puppet on strings only I don't know who is controlling the movements.

Like walking in a dense fog slowly testing with your foot for fear of falling off a ledge or running into a wall. Like watching a scary movie knowing something is going to happen that I really don't want, but forging ahead waiting for the ax to fall, for the bad thing. I think I forget to breath, to blink. I can hear the blood flowing in my head, feel the beat of my heart.

No confidence in myself, unsure of everything of everyone. Hard to trust, hard to believe in people. A few years back, on a very rainy day, I walked to the ocean and sat on a bench wondering what it would feel like to walk into the water, to feel it wrap around me so I couldn't feel anymore. I knew I wouldn't but my mind kept envisioning how it would be.

I live in pain both physical and emotional. Don't know which is worse which is better. How long do I endure. It is something I can cover in front of others. Like being two persons in one. No one can see what is inside if I put on the mask, like a cloak, covers what needs to be hidden. What can't be understood or explained.

When I feel this way, I tend to fold paper without realizing it. Receipts, notes, papertowels, kleenex, doesn't matter, I can make it as small as a bb. Really don't want to be around anyone, don't want to be seen. Once at the store, shopping for grandkids presents for the holiday, I had to leave the basket, presents, everything and leave. It seemed like I was going to explode. I just had to leave. All the happy, hurried shoppers. I was not one.

I am there now. I know it will pass. The other side of me will come out and this one will go away. Then I can lift the curtain and see all the beauty around me. Enjoy the sky, the sun, laugh. Soon.

PAIN

Pain is debilitating, encompassing, prominent, foremost, enveloping, exhausting, distracting. How can something so small, a tiny little nerve, take over your entire existence. After an ER visit, an orthopedic visit, an MRI, how can they still not know what to do or where to look. Has anyone ever thought about an x-ray?? Maybe there is a bone spur, maybe having nothing to do with a pinched sciatic nerve. But the medical facilitators, want to do the expensive MRI, which I did last night. I cried like a girl, in one of the positions and only had to hold it for 3 minutes. It took everything I had not to squeeze the little "help call" button.
I came home and collapsed on the couch. Waking at midnight, limping to the bed, thinking, I left my cell phone in the living room and if I should have to call for help, I'd never make it in there. So after propping with pillows (and my dogs and cat) I finally cried myself back to a restless stage of sleep. I'm eating pain medication and muscle relaxers like candy and they are noneffective.
Then I stop and think; my mom took on so much more pain and procedures than I have and she was a trooper, if she had pain, she pretty much kept it inside, never voicing like me. I feel like a whiner. ..
Anyway, I shall overcome this and be running around like a crazed soccer mom, hopefully before too much longer.